Surviving May

May 16, 2013, is a day I will never forget. Family and close friends gathered to share my moms last moments. Three of my best friends (Princess, Frenae and LeAnne) took turns with me at the hospital that day. We’d moved in Lil Debbie’s room and closed out the night watching the season finale of Scandal.

Deborah Eileen Williams was as loving, kind, caring, beautiful, intelligent and silly as women come. A true nurturer and the reason that my heart actually beats. My daddy always called her bull-headed, so I knew as long as I stayed in that hospital room with her, that she’d keep fighting to stay alive. There was no way she going to transition with me around. Scandal wrapped, we packed up our dinner and I kissed my mommy on the cheek. With a shaky voice I whispered in her ear and told her that I understood. That I loved her more than life, but after all she was a bird and I had to let her fly. No sooner than I made it home that night, my daddy called and said, ” You must’ve just made it home, she’s gone.” With the finality of that statement we wished each other goodnight.

 

I have always acknowledged the broken-heartedness of losing my mother and my struggle since her passing. Celebrations and holidays heighten my sensitivity to her absence in the flesh. It wasn’t until this past Sunday (May 13th) that I realized how intently I have to press into another dimension of myself to acknowledge my Grandmother, Sisters, Nieces, Cousins, Friends and Bonus Moms on Mother’s Day. These women that surround me are my Shero’s and deserve to be celebrated. I felt so selfish closing myself off and not even wishing them a Happy Mother’s Day. Thanking them for all that they are to their children and families and those around them, but also to me as the wind beneath my wings. I cried as I sent each message knowing that some people don’t send or receive these greetings.

Full Transparency: May 1st-23rd is when I’d like to hibernate. I want my introvertedness to be acknowledged and respected. I just want to chill in my element with thoughts of such a wonderful lady and imagine she and I are sipping iced tea, sitting on a swing snuggled up talking about any and everything our hearts desire. What really happens is that My Guardian Angel Debbie sends people to sit with me or force me to participate in activities and I am never alone 🙂

Lesson Learned: It’s on this morning that the Holy Spirit showed me why God is no respecter of time. These past 5 years have flown by in other areas of my life, but it seems like an eternity that I’ve been without my mommy.

Nugget of Advice: While I do not speak for all motherless children, some of us want you to know that it’s OK to just let us be. It’s OK to be a silent presence and send up a silent prayer. We don’t need you to fix us or be religious. That’s how we end up throwing the whole friend away!

Be human. Be normal. Be a presence. Be love. Most of all, Be you.

… Missing my best girl, but I know she is with me!