Be a Grace Granter

This was in my Facebook memories from 3 years ago.

There are many things that affect a persons mood and stance. Quarantine has us more in tuned with social media as a way of keeping up with humans. However, there are those of us that like people in person, and we have been challenged by not being able to gather. As I’ve scrolled through social media the last few weeks, there has been an overwhelming presence of sickness, heartbreak, and tumultuousness. My heart breaks a little every time I see a post and I pause to pray for that individual.

If nothing else, I am learning or have learned to treat people how I wanted to be treated when luck or good fortune wasn’t my portion. When I was in the valley, I wanted people to be graceful with me. To be kind. To be loving. To handle me with care. To be normal with me, yet sensitive to my trouble that I always professed wouldn’t last always.

I prayed to God that those grace grantors would blessed real good! That Holy Spirit would sprinkle extra in their cup that runneth over. See every human has their day. Our elders say, “ live long enough,” or “life hits you one day,” and believe me, we will all see a day(s) that’s not sunshine and sugar plum fairies.

Newton’s third law states: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Galatians 6:8 says: we reap what we so.

Together the above law and Bible verse tell me that no matter what, the ups and downs will come together BUT sowing grace grants me grace. Not to mention grace comes with its twin, mercy. I’ll save mercy for another post.

Be a grace granter.

It’s Their 42nd Wedding Anniversary!

The good, the bad and the ugly of relationships have been prevalent in the last few days. I have been in an emotionally exhaustive textversation with my sister-friends on the topic, and this evening I ended by saying, “It’s taking up too much space in my brain!” To which one beauty concurred that it is taking up a lot of space and telling me to figure out how to work through it, because there is no wrong way, just your way. After I read that message, I sat in it for some time and continued on helping others walk through their thoughts. My parents dropped in my spirit. That’s when it hit me, November 10th is their wedding anniversary. I looked up at my living room wall and saw a picture of my parents. The same living room that they were married in.

Conversations of relationship PTSD and the current twinkles in our eyes led me to stay up late and work my way through what the Holy Spirit had been laying on my heart and that’s the power of respectful communication. Through behavioral counseling, I am working on my passive aggressive processing along with the verbal and non-verbal delivery. I look like my mama and have her heart, but there is not a question that I have my daddy’s personality.

Here’s what I know via first-hand experience of mediating my parents’ disagreements and talking to them in a manner that allowed them to see the others point of view, their love wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it to them and they worked on it. Neither was perfect and they never claimed to be. I hear them clear as day asking why this or that and admitting they didn’t understand and would try to communicate with one another in a different manner on a subject matter.

We learn early in life to mind our manners and our tongues. Once a word is spoken, or written, we can’t take it back. I now comprehend why every text I wanted to send, I deleted or typed in my notes and it’s sitting there pending further review. I recognize that the spirit of lovingkindness and care that James and Deborah exhibited needed to be reflected. I see my daddy clear as day taking my mama to the mall to buy her an outfit that matched his for them to wear on this surprise date he planned, only for them to be late because she was trying to do something to her hair or polish her nails. I want that same grace and patience on me, an overt act of love.

I will spend this day reflecting on their love that now plays as a fairytale in my head while they enjoy one another in heaven. I’ll be gentle with myself and others, communicating clearly while being in such a vulnerable space of always vowing to love, permitting love to love me and allowing the love to flow. Do me the honor of yielding to love today and letting it do its work.

Happy Heavenly 42nd Wedding Anniversary, Daddy and Mamacita! I love you both to infinity and beyond.

Soli Deo gloria

Holla If You Hear Me!!!!

I hope that you hear me, but what’s more important is that I HEAR ME! My heart has a delicate sound. My work ethic and career have an assertive sound. My friendships have a compassionate sound. All of these sounds and more make up my amazing voice. Sometimes one sound overcompensates for the other sounds, but there’s no denying that you can hear my voice.

In the shadows I have developed a prayer, praise and worship lifestyle that brings me such joy and peace. It is why when you talk to me about things gone wrong, I tell you not to worry and that everything is going to work out. LeAnne and I were on the phone joking one time and I started singing, “Jesus will work it out,” and she finished it with, “and, we lets Him!”

My most recent voice finding has come within my career and employment life. Mid 2019, I was smartly redesigned into a position that I knew absolutely nothing about. Heck, I had no idea the group even existed. What I realized in that transition was there was no way that I was going to make it unless I dove in to the new role, spoke up, asked questions to gain a better understanding. I walked into the room. There were 11 men. I sat down at the table, read the room and made an assessment on how to fit in. I waited about 1 week, I smiled and then I spoke. From that day on, I became a leader, social organizer, problem solver, go to person and delicate handler of the group and the information that was possessed.

Why is that important, you may ask? It’s important because I never jumped in to take over, I jumped in to win the trust and admiration of my new coworkers. To do that, I needed to find my voice in that group. I know my individual voice. I know my work ethic voice. What I didn’t know was my new job voice. My personality was always, always going to be present, but my voice in this new group was to valuable for it to just be a sound, I needed it to be music to the teams ears.

I’ve been told that my voice can be heard down hallways and around corners. I want you to know that this happy, energetic, cheerful young lady is on the way, but I also know when I need to exercise silence as my voice. Understanding this dimension and which voice belongs in what setting has been a catalyst for my employment enjoyment. Don’t get me wrong, I also have a frustrated voice. A you’ve got to be kidding voice. A who are you talking to voice. A that’s a terrible idea voice. An I can’t wait to meet with you voice… the list goes on.

I am so proud and so excited for my career oriented voice. It is sustaining me, propelling me, driving me for more, better, greater.

Do you have multiple voices? Or, do you take that one voice of yours with your personality ozzing through and not care who thinks what? Do you have an adaptable voice? I do and I have no idea how i’d get around without it! Holla if you hear me!

#SDG

I Fall Apart

I fall apart. Often. In private. It’s the most cleansing experience. I don’t plan it, but I can sense when it’s needed and prepare a place. Truth is, I used to be afraid to fall apart. Afraid to give sound to feelings inside me. Until that one summer day in 2017 when I felt the volcano stirring in my belly. I thought, “Uh oh! It’s coming up and out and there’s nothing I can do to stop it!” I’d been able to suppress feelings for so long. I mean rarely sobbed and like Fergie said, “big girls don’t cry!”

Falling apart alone is so beautiful because it sets me free. I can sit, stand, lay or a combination of motions as I regurgitate all that has been heavy in my heart and lay these things at the feet of the Father. I can say the things that shame and condemn me without judgement.

Falling apart with someone is so beautiful because it reminds me that I don’t always have to be strong. People share their strength with you, just by showing up and being present. That silent presence speaks volumes.

Life is a journey. A process to behold. Various posts on this blog share my journey and how I got to where I am today, thankful for survival. I am confident that I survive because I fall apart.

#SDG

L’s in silence

Truth is, I used to live my life out loud. That was until I started taking major losses and doing some things that I wasn’t so proud to broadcast. At some point, I began to self sabotage and never thought to much about it. I thought YOLO was a way of life, but in fact the way I let it play out was just asinine. I knew better. I wasn’t raised to be rebellious and to only consider what was best for me, no matter the cost. No matter who it hurt. No matter what moral, social rules or boundaries I crossed. No matter the expense.

Until one day, the expenses were my feelings and growth. You see, I lost a few friends that helped me get through the loss of my parents and my divorce. I’ll never know what really happened, but I know that the Lord told me not to fight and let go. That loss was silently public. Also, I’d been dating a dude that cheated on me. I saw a video and then another young lady he was with called me. I mean… geez, what else could go wrong?!

Debt. Everywhere.

Family discord.

Work. How does one really get an opportunity to be promoted?

So much…

Here’s the thing. When you broadcast your life, people judge you. They put you in a judgement bubble that seems to be unburstable because it takes so much to try and get them to see you for something other than your faults. People tend to see you for who you were, or who you’ve become, and not who are you evolving into. This is why — exactly why I have been taking my L’s in silence.

I’m all about sharing my L’s but ONLY after the related wins. If you’re going to judge me, judge my whole story and all of its glory! I feel the impact is better when you see the story backwards. Like man, she is winning out here, but I never knew she fought through so much to get here. As opposed to, she’s been a disaster, it is finally time somethings started to break for her. Or, poor girl, I sure hope her life has changed.

I’m keeping track of my L’s and I’ll share them all, but there’s no way, not anymore will I post every move. Besides, it’s hard to get up if people are kicking you with judgement while you’re down.

These are my Fourth Watch thoughts! #CatchMeWinning

#SDG

If You Want It To Grow, You Must Water It

Communication, growth, increase and commitment are themes that have been chasing me around for a while now. As I scrolled through Facebook, I saw this meme and a light bulb came on.

I love flowers. I love tulips. I bought some the other day and I find myself checking the water level daily to ensure it’s adequate enough for the flowers to live as long as they can. Just seeing the tulips makes me smile. Sometimes I carry them from room to room with me so they are always visible. In a sense I’m watering them everyday.

Same goes for relationships. Here is what we do. We plant an amazing seed, excited to see what it can become. We check on it everyday and water it. Once it starts to sprout, we are excited, often considering ourselves gardeners. Once that thing flowers and we can see it’s beauty, we back off. One person could likely pluck a tulip, place it in a vase on a table and admire it until it dies. You have grown it and then removed it from the environment that nurtured it… it is going to die. Or, you can leave it planted in that nurturing environment, tending to it daily, loving it and making sure it stays alive as long as possible, multiplies and comes back every year.

I know I said relationships, but the same also goes for your craft. You have to practice and work that thing everyday. Not just long enough to get the accolades or the shine and then wonder why it fizzled away.

I saw this post when my life was on a tragedy for months (thanks, Wale). I was walking by and around things. People and things were walking by and around me. Not nurturing or digging into what would sustain those things. For instance, I browsed my own blog. I paid the renewal fee. I said, i’ll get back to it eventually. I had built a rapport with followers and conversations with friends regarding my posts. Then it all stopped. Why? Because I stopped.

When you love a person, place or a thing, be intentional and water it everyday. That is the only way it is going to grow!

#SDG