Sunday, May 31, 2020. I was all over the place and couldn’t figure out why. I cried over the simplest of things. That’s what happens when my… Read more “Fighting to be Embraced”
I hope that you hear me, but what’s more important is that I HEAR ME! My heart has a delicate sound. My work ethic and career have an assertive sound. My friendships have a compassionate sound. All of these sounds and more make up my amazing voice. Sometimes one sound overcompensates for the other sounds, but there’s no denying that you can hear my voice.
In the shadows I have developed a prayer, praise and worship lifestyle that brings me such joy and peace. It is why when you talk to me about things gone wrong, I tell you not to worry and that everything is going to work out. LeAnne and I were on the phone joking one time and I started singing, “Jesus will work it out,” and she finished it with, “and, we lets Him!”
My most recent voice finding has come within my career and employment life. Mid 2019, I was smartly redesigned into a position that I knew absolutely nothing about. Heck, I had no idea the group even existed. What I realized in that transition was there was no way that I was going to make it unless I dove in to the new role, spoke up, asked questions to gain a better understanding. I walked into the room. There were 11 men. I sat down at the table, read the room and made an assessment on how to fit in. I waited about 1 week, I smiled and then I spoke. From that day on, I became a leader, social organizer, problem solver, go to person and delicate handler of the group and the information that was possessed.
Why is that important, you may ask? It’s important because I never jumped in to take over, I jumped in to win the trust and admiration of my new coworkers. To do that, I needed to find my voice in that group. I know my individual voice. I know my work ethic voice. What I didn’t know was my new job voice. My personality was always, always going to be present, but my voice in this new group was to valuable for it to just be a sound, I needed it to be music to the teams ears.
I’ve been told that my voice can be heard down hallways and around corners. I want you to know that this happy, energetic, cheerful young lady is on the way, but I also know when I need to exercise silence as my voice. Understanding this dimension and which voice belongs in what setting has been a catalyst for my employment enjoyment. Don’t get me wrong, I also have a frustrated voice. A you’ve got to be kidding voice. A who are you talking to voice. A that’s a terrible idea voice. An I can’t wait to meet with you voice… the list goes on.
I am so proud and so excited for my career oriented voice. It is sustaining me, propelling me, driving me for more, better, greater.
Do you have multiple voices? Or, do you take that one voice of yours with your personality ozzing through and not care who thinks what? Do you have an adaptable voice? I do and I have no idea how i’d get around without it! Holla if you hear me!
I fall apart. Often. In private. It’s the most cleansing experience. I don’t plan it, but I can sense when it’s needed and prepare a place. Truth is, I used to be afraid to fall apart. Afraid to give sound to feelings inside me. Until that one summer day in 2017 when I felt the volcano stirring in my belly. I thought, “Uh oh! It’s coming up and out and there’s nothing I can do to stop it!” I’d been able to suppress feelings for so long. I mean rarely sobbed and like Fergie said, “big girls don’t cry!”
Falling apart alone is so beautiful because it sets me free. I can sit, stand, lay or a combination of motions as I regurgitate all that has been heavy in my heart and lay these things at the feet of the Father. I can say the things that shame and condemn me without judgement.
Falling apart with someone is so beautiful because it reminds me that I don’t always have to be strong. People share their strength with you, just by showing up and being present. That silent presence speaks volumes.
Life is a journey. A process to behold. Various posts on this blog share my journey and how I got to where I am today, thankful for survival. I am confident that I survive because I fall apart.
Truth is, I used to live my life out loud. That was until I started taking major losses and doing some things that I wasn’t so proud to broadcast. At some point, I began to self sabotage and never thought to much about it. I thought YOLO was a way of life, but in fact the way I let it play out was just asinine. I knew better. I wasn’t raised to be rebellious and to only consider what was best for me, no matter the cost. No matter who it hurt. No matter what moral, social rules or boundaries I crossed. No matter the expense.
Until one day, the expenses were my feelings and growth. You see, I lost a few friends that helped me get through the loss of my parents and my divorce. I’ll never know what really happened, but I know that the Lord told me not to fight and let go. That loss was silently public. Also, I’d been dating a dude that cheated on me. I saw a video and then another young lady he was with called me. I mean… geez, what else could go wrong?!
Work. How does one really get an opportunity to be promoted?
Here’s the thing. When you broadcast your life, people judge you. They put you in a judgement bubble that seems to be unburstable because it takes so much to try and get them to see you for something other than your faults. People tend to see you for who you were, or who you’ve become, and not who are you evolving into. This is why — exactly why I have been taking my L’s in silence.
I’m all about sharing my L’s but ONLY after the related wins. If you’re going to judge me, judge my whole story and all of its glory! I feel the impact is better when you see the story backwards. Like man, she is winning out here, but I never knew she fought through so much to get here. As opposed to, she’s been a disaster, it is finally time somethings started to break for her. Or, poor girl, I sure hope her life has changed.
I’m keeping track of my L’s and I’ll share them all, but there’s no way, not anymore will I post every move. Besides, it’s hard to get up if people are kicking you with judgement while you’re down.
These are my Fourth Watch thoughts! #CatchMeWinning
Communication, growth, increase and commitment are themes that have been chasing me around for a while now. As I scrolled through Facebook, I saw this meme and a light bulb came on.
I love flowers. I love tulips. I bought some the other day and I find myself checking the water level daily to ensure it’s adequate enough for the flowers to live as long as they can. Just seeing the tulips makes me smile. Sometimes I carry them from room to room with me so they are always visible. In a sense I’m watering them everyday.
Same goes for relationships. Here is what we do. We plant an amazing seed, excited to see what it can become. We check on it everyday and water it. Once it starts to sprout, we are excited, often considering ourselves gardeners. Once that thing flowers and we can see it’s beauty, we back off. One person could likely pluck a tulip, place it in a vase on a table and admire it until it dies. You have grown it and then removed it from the environment that nurtured it… it is going to die. Or, you can leave it planted in that nurturing environment, tending to it daily, loving it and making sure it stays alive as long as possible, multiplies and comes back every year.
I know I said relationships, but the same also goes for your craft. You have to practice and work that thing everyday. Not just long enough to get the accolades or the shine and then wonder why it fizzled away.
I saw this post when my life was on a tragedy for months (thanks, Wale). I was walking by and around things. People and things were walking by and around me. Not nurturing or digging into what would sustain those things. For instance, I browsed my own blog. I paid the renewal fee. I said, i’ll get back to it eventually. I had built a rapport with followers and conversations with friends regarding my posts. Then it all stopped. Why? Because I stopped.
When you love a person, place or a thing, be intentional and water it everyday. That is the only way it is going to grow!
As 2020 started, all I could think to myself was, “WHEW!” I was having a harvest season in the dead of winter. How sway? No idea, but it’s the most uncomfortable thing I’ve experienced in recent memory. I had been sowing and praying and believing for things that I could only stand in faith for their delivery.
Some things in my life had been on a tragedy for months and other things are blossoming like my lilac bush in the month of May. I was also oddly situated in places where I didn’t fit in, but was able to adapt. That drove me nuts. I used to be able to choose whether or not to enter into an environment, but now I had no choice. I had to go where the the Lord sent me. I said, “yes”, and agreed to figure out the details later.
My old self — gone. The funny thing is in this moment, I can’t recall what the old me was like. In this transition I find myself taking more leadership opportunities and outlining my destiny. This new me, I often wonder, what will she look like? Where will she go? Who will she be?How will she positively impact those she comes in contact with? Am I wearing this transition like wet clothes?
In the midst of transformation there is so much newness and also a bit of pain. The wheat and the tares were growing together and I was feverishly trying to separate them on the threshing floor of my life. As the birth of your new self is taking place, be intentionally present. It’s uncomfortable. You will want to run and hide or think that it’s to much to bare, but just stay the course and use that uncomfortableness to propel you to the next level of you!
Today, Facebook reminded me. . .
Isn’t that how a trip down memory lane starts, and then some sort of emotion ensues. Well, I was determined not be sad this day, and I’m determined not to be sad this time of year. You see, Facebook wanted to remind me that today my dad was admitted to the hospital for leukemia treatment (he passed a month and a half later). Well, this time I wasn’t gonna to let Facebook send me to the sad dungeon. Instead, I decided to take today by the horns and be very intentional on my journey.
I started with a workout! Nothing beats a personal accomplishment first thing out the gate. That was in twined with my morning prayer, packing my lunch and getting ready for work. I was light on my toes and danced my way into the office, and sung hello to my teammates as I walked past them to my desk. I broke away from the mundane flow of the day to walk and say hello to Mama Sue, Mrs. Tina and the rest of the ladies that I used to work with and their love lifted me. I traipsed back to my desk, a daunting 10 minute walk, and engaged with more coworkers until my cube mate looked at me and said, “dang girl, are you going home?”
Now, I had a choice after I picked up my dry cleaning… that was to go home or to my cousins house, visit with him and his family and pick up some family photos that he felt in his heart belonged to me. I decided, Steve’s house was the place to be. There, I was entertained by the kids and even got to love on a baby! My heart was full, but still missing something. I called my other mama, and told her I was on my way. We had dinner, fruit, watched tv, talked to my auntie and I got to play with another youngster, the 2 syllable me!
Now I’m home, full of love and exhausted 😩! You may want to know why I shared the play by play of my day with you, and here’s why: Sometimes you have to fight through your worst days and be very strategic and intentional to avoid falling into a dark space. I find that engaging with and loving on my loved ones eases the burden that my heart carries. It’s why I’ll always ask, “who’s your support system?” I’ll remind you that “no new friends” is just a song and that it’s never to late for divine connections. And don’t limit them to significant others, they can be friends, parental figures, mentors, leaders and more.
I’m counting it all on joy. Thankful, that 6 years later I’m able to say, “I fought through some of the worst days of my life to get here!” Be encouraged on today that indeed there is BEAUTY FOR ASHES!