I Fall Apart

I fall apart. Often. In private. It’s the most cleansing experience. I don’t plan it, but I can sense when it’s needed and prepare a place. Truth is, I used to be afraid to fall apart. Afraid to give sound to feelings inside me. Until that one summer day in 2017 when I felt the volcano stirring in my belly. I thought, “Uh oh! It’s coming up and out and there’s nothing I can do to stop it!” I’d been able to suppress feelings for so long. I mean rarely sobbed and like Fergie said, “big girls don’t cry!”

Falling apart alone is so beautiful because it sets me free. I can sit, stand, lay or a combination of motions as I regurgitate all that has been heavy in my heart and lay these things at the feet of the Father. I can say the things that shame and condemn me without judgement.

Falling apart with someone is so beautiful because it reminds me that I don’t always have to be strong. People share their strength with you, just by showing up and being present. That silent presence speaks volumes.

Life is a journey. A process to behold. Various posts on this blog share my journey and how I got to where I am today, thankful for survival. I am confident that I survive because I fall apart.


L’s in silence

Truth is, I used to live my life out loud. That was until I started taking major losses and doing some things that I wasn’t so proud to broadcast. At some point, I began to self sabotage and never thought to much about it. I thought YOLO was a way of life, but in fact the way I let it play out was just asinine. I knew better. I wasn’t raised to be rebellious and to only consider what was best for me, no matter the cost. No matter who it hurt. No matter what moral, social rules or boundaries I crossed. No matter the expense.

Until one day, the expenses were my feelings and growth. You see, I lost a few friends that helped me get through the loss of my parents and my divorce. I’ll never know what really happened, but I know that the Lord told me not to fight and let go. That loss was silently public. Also, I’d been dating a dude that cheated on me. I saw a video and then another young lady he was with called me. I mean… geez, what else could go wrong?!

Debt. Everywhere.

Family discord.

Work. How does one really get an opportunity to be promoted?

So much…

Here’s the thing. When you broadcast your life, people judge you. They put you in a judgement bubble that seems to be unburstable because it takes so much to try and get them to see you for something other than your faults. People tend to see you for who you were, or who you’ve become, and not who are you evolving into. This is why — exactly why I have been taking my L’s in silence.

I’m all about sharing my L’s but ONLY after the related wins. If you’re going to judge me, judge my whole story and all of its glory! I feel the impact is better when you see the story backwards. Like man, she is winning out here, but I never knew she fought through so much to get here. As opposed to, she’s been a disaster, it is finally time somethings started to break for her. Or, poor girl, I sure hope her life has changed.

I’m keeping track of my L’s and I’ll share them all, but there’s no way, not anymore will I post every move. Besides, it’s hard to get up if people are kicking you with judgement while you’re down.

These are my Fourth Watch thoughts! #CatchMeWinning


…. But this transformation, though!

As 2020 started, all I could think to myself was, “WHEW!” I was having a harvest season in the dead of winter. How sway? No idea, but it’s the most uncomfortable thing I’ve experienced in recent memory. I had been sowing and praying and believing for things that I could only stand in faith for their delivery.

Some things in my life had been on a tragedy for months and other things are blossoming like my lilac bush in the month of May. I was also oddly situated in places where I didn’t fit in, but was able to adapt. That drove me nuts. I used to be able to choose whether or not to enter into an environment, but now I had no choice. I had to go where the the Lord sent me. I said, “yes”, and agreed to figure out the details later.

My old self — gone. The funny thing is in this moment, I can’t recall what the old me was like. In this transition I find myself taking more leadership opportunities and outlining my destiny. This new me, I often wonder, what will she look like? Where will she go? Who will she be?How will she positively impact those she comes in contact with? Am I wearing this transition like wet clothes?

In the midst of transformation there is so much newness and also a bit of pain. The wheat and the tares were growing together and I was feverishly trying to separate them on the threshing floor of my life. As the birth of your new self is taking place, be intentionally present. It’s uncomfortable. You will want to run and hide or think that it’s to much to bare, but just stay the course and use that uncomfortableness to propel you to the next level of you!


Face the Facts

I have been reminded several times this year that I can’t trust my feelings. My feelings are often based on matters of the heart and they cloud my judgement so I must Face the Facts. As twisted as it sounds, the fact is that my feelings have been hurt.

The facts give you a firm grasp of what you are up against so you can figure out how to effectively move forward. When you are building, growing, elevating, transitioning, you often feel delayed, behind, and overlooked. I have found that the Lord gives me ‘Path Pavers‘ and I fiddle to my goals, and over time I have learned to get back to the facts and not make moves based off of my feelings.

We search for feedback as we strive to reach our goals. That feedback is the news or the update on how we are progressing and we have to use discernment to separate the facts and the feelings.

Facing the Facts:

No news is bad news. If you don’t know what you are up against, then you cannot be effective. You need the facts, the root of the situation and an understanding of what the outcome should be. You don’t know where you stand if there is no news, and that’s bad.

Bad news is good news. It’s all in how you view a thing. Once I started looking at bad news as growth and opportunity to do better, increase, learn more… it quickly transitioned into good news.

Good news is no news. Just means you did the thing the right way. That you have a grasp on the facts, and you understood and met the goal.

Our feelings should be acknowledged, tracked back to the fact they are tied to and properly dealt with, but not be the driving force behind our actions. Learn the power in a pause. Watch how things change as you base decisions less off of emotion and more off of facts!



Comfort Zone : Ice Cream

Past. Present. Future.

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.

I did it. I am doing it. I’ll get it done.

I struggle participating in the present when there’s so many things going on. Like, I have this new position at work. I started during the summer. I have more responsibilities. I am being trained on new things every week. There are clear expectations that hinge on my ability to comprehend and perfom in a position that is being defined as we go. I am immersed in a new workout and nutrition regimen. I need to clean my house. I’ve got family stuff. I can’t decide whether or not to grow my hair or just get a quickweave. . . and the list goes on.

Somedays, I am spent and want to sit in silence. Other days, well… lately all of the days have been this way. It is safe to say, I am out of my Comfort Zone.

Nothing is the same!

Nothing, except my desire for ice cream when I am stressed. Yup, that’s right. Ice cream makes everything better (my trainer is pissed!)

Ice cream reminds me of my mama and to reset and get back to the finer things in life. The things that make my soul happy. I am reminded to schedule my self care. That I was sent to this transition. I am blessed to labor, but I need to get back in my seat of authority and peace. The decisions have to be made, just not all at once. And not all on my own. Ice cream reminds me of all those things and more.

I prayed for the perfect people. One of them brought me ice cream today. Another reminded me what my blog means to me. Another reminded me to put God first. Another reminded me to eart right and work out. And, another remided me that all things are working for my good. I would have never realized that I had my life undercontrol unless… I would have mentioned that I needed ice cream because that started the “why’s?”

The moral of this story, find your happy place and get there when life gets overwhelming. For me: ice cream does it!


Baby Steps

I am fortunate enough to attend Central Missionary Baptist Church of Detroit, MI where, Robert E. Bolden, I, is Pastor. Currently our Midweek Oasis (Tuesday night Bible class) Series is on the topic of Healthy Habits. One of these nights, Pastor Bolden (or PB as we know him) told us that little changes add up to big changes and that’s how you conquer change and create new habits. Then we wrote down 3 things that we wanted to change on a card and turned them in before we left the service. Our homework was to go home and make a list of what little things we could do to help us achieve the three things that we placed on the card. I have no doubt that PB has been praying over our lists and this teaching has really stuck with me.

Here’s the profound example that PB shared. A plane was leaving Los Angeles, CA heading to New York, New York. If the pilot turned the nose 3 degrees south upon departure from LA, over time it would change the trajectory of the plane to land in Washington DC. Consider that something as small as 3 degrees could do that!

Now imagine, changing your lunch meal on Thursday one week. Then the next week changing lunch on Thursday and Friday. Or, going to the gym one day a week and walking for 10 minutes then increasing your increments each week or each time you walk. Over time you will have made small steps that add up to change over time.

I think we get side tracked like the memes below:

Baby steps are not mutually exclusive to changing your eating habits or working out. It could be about learning something new at work, a new language, a new hobby, arts and crafts, essentially anything! I was so moved by this teaching that I am taking baby steps in several areas of my life and I don’t feel overwhelmed. I feel successful. I feel like I can finally be successful moving forward because all of my baby steps will combine to make great progress!

I hope you count your baby steps as small victories and move forward!