I Should Have Stopped At The Oil Change

One November Day in 2006, I stopped at the neighborhood Oil Lube place to get an oil change in my 2005 Chrysler PT Cruiser. The Pit Guy comes up and starts explaining to me that I could invest in less expensive oil. I thanked him and asked how I could repay him? He told me I could buy him lunch. When I returned with his lunch, he asked for my number.

He courted me for 5 months, we moved in together and got engaged in March 2007. We got married in July 2007. We got divorced in March 2014.

“I Should Have Stopped At The Oil Change!”

Sometimes we marry because it’s our hearts desire but not God’s desired person or time for us. We are hard headed. We want what we want, when we want it.

I fell in love with potential, married it, and tried to develop it. The thought of having a husband was so exciting to me. I changed my last name. I tried to turn houses into homes. I took his dreams and made them into realities.

Then one day I woke up, looked at him and thought this is so lonely. There must have been someone praying for me to find wholeness in my life. If you are reading this, THANK YOU. See, my ex-husband was a great guy, just not the right guy for me. We were total opposites. I was a social butterfly and he was 100% introverted. I needed family gatherings and girls dates, he didn’t want to be bothered with family gatherings and had no friends. I tried to contain my zest for life to fit our relationship and it physically made me ill.

There were signs after we got engaged and I ignored them all! Being with the wrong one will have your insecurities weighing you down. You will feel like you are asking for to much and nothing you do will ever be enough or right. He talked about my weight, compared me to others, and the list goes on.

I lost weight, I tried new things but there was always something. Do you have any idea what it’s like to cry because you don’t think you’re good enough for a person that’s supposed to love you unconditionally? I mean I was a rock star at work. I have great friends and family, but in my marriage, I wasn’t enough!

So, back to that day that “I WOKE UP” and realized I’d never be enough… I got out! It didn’t happen overnight, it was a process, but you have to “Let Your Heartbreak đź’”!” (see previous post)

Self preservation. Self esteem. Self care. Self love. It’s what you know in your heart to be right, just and true! I pray that if you are in a situation similar that the Lord grants you the power and strength to let it go and build better for yourself.

Not Meant To Fit In

I’ve know for sometime now that I don’t fit in and that’s OK with me. I’ve been in groups of friends and felt like an outsider. I’m adaptable and transparent. I “Show Up” (see previous blog post) because I gain so much from being present in different atmospheres.

Not fitting in is a blessing. I can’t get comfortable or overly involved in ‘one thing’ thus being distracted and not working towards my God given purpose. My best friends know that I don’t fit in and the beauty of these ladies warm my heart. They encourage me to be present while reminding me that I’m on assignment.

I’ve come full circle with trying to be everything to my friends/associates and now, I’m everything to me. For me, the beauty of not fitting is knowing that it is OK. Your uniqueness, individuality and talents should transcend philosophical, social and economic statuses.

 

Path Pavers

My path has many pavers:

  • How to build your faith
  • How to start from the bottom
  • How to handle heartbreak and broken trust
  • How to grieve tough losses
  • How to love like Jesus
  • How to lead
  • How to keep your smile and find joy
  • How to be a humble servant
  • How to know your role
  • How to press into the presence of God
  • How to listen
  • How to be patient and wait
  • There are more and they will manifest through this blog.
  • People watch you on your path and when similar obstacles arise in their lives, they ask questions and for advice. Share you experiences and remind them that things do differ by individual. I’m focused on the ups and fighting through the downs. I know grief and loss. I can talk to you about embracing it and healing from it. I know joy and peace. I can talk to you about centering in it.
  • Bottom line: your path is a testimony or example for others. Someone, somewhere is waiting on you to share your story so they can have a breakthrough or get confirmation that they path they are on is right. Use your pavers to teach someone else how to build a path!

Let Your Heart Break

As I sat talking to my therapist, J.L., he told me to give in to the emotions. To feel them, acknowledge them but don’t stay in that place. It took some time, but alone in my home… I got down on my knees and told the Lord that I’d had enough. That I was taking regret, grief, loss, betrayal, mischief and abandonment and giving it all to HIM. I turned on Tasha Cobbs Leonard, Gracefully Broken and Forever At Your Feet and . . . I let my heart break.

Each day thereafter brought new challenges, feelings, and emotions. I vowed to stand strong and fight for my healing. I didn’t put a piece back in place until It healed.

I had to do the work! I had to learn to say “No” to things that no longer served me and that “No” is a complete sentence. I had to pay attention to those around me that loved me and believed in me, God was using them to help mend me. Most importantly the Lord used our quiet time and my tears to water seeds of wholeness, strength, love and purpose that He needed to bring out of me.

Trust me. Trust yourself. Trust the Lord. Let Your Heart Break. I promise it’s the best thing I’ve ever done and I love who I’ve become.